June 19th was Father’s Day. It was the first one I spent without my own father who passed away in January. I felt I would never celebrate it again and when the day came, I found myself still deep in grief. I considered writing about my father, and after one of my friends suggested it would help me heal, I now feel ready to tell you about him: Like all good fathers, he loved me deeply. He was one of a kind and he ultimately shaped the kind of parent I would later become.
My father was a gentle and caring man. Even though he was often away when I was young, I grew very attached to him. China was a very tough place during the ‘70s and ‘80s and he did not have the luxury of choosing where or when to work. Still, he always found time to bring me small toys and candies whenever he could visit. He mailed me letters and recorded cassette tapes to cheer me up, giving me hope until our next reunion and letting me share in his worldly adventures while we were apart.
He would always shower me with praise, saying, “My daughter is the best!” I knew I could share anything with him without fearing he would scold me, which he never did. Whenever my mom got mad at me, I would cry out, “Daddy, where are you?” and wish he would suddenly appear to rescue me from my miserable life. Traditional Chinese parenting prescribes a simple solution to children: Be strict with them and always be ready to dish out tough love or yell at them with a stiff and serious face. In our culture, the common belief is that one must 爱之深, 责之切—“love well, whip well.” My father rejected that. He allowed me to freely express my thoughts, expose my emotions, and question traditional teaching. He permitted me to talk back to him and never took offense at my disrespectful comments. Instead, he just kept saying, “You are the best!” This is so rare even in modern China, let alone back then.
I didn’t contemplate the reasoning behind my father’s behavior until I became a parent myself, struggling with my own strong-willed children during their adolescent years. I got mad whenever they argued with me, ignored my instructions or challenged my authority. There were many times when I would feel overwhelmed and complain to my father, to which he would calmly answer with these simple words: “Love is patient. Love is kind.” Just like with me, he never acted mad or even disappointed with my children. There were other times when I feared that I punished them too harshly, and still my father would comfort me and say: “You are the best mom!” I simply could not understand him. Why was he always so kind to me?
I didn’t find the answer I was looking for until I watched Brené Brown’s TED talk, “The Power of Vulnerability.” Her research found that feelings of shame and guilt stemmed from one’s belief that he or she is flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging. Simple as this may sound, we can better connect with others by helping them feel accepted—that they are not being judged and they are good enough. It was an enlightening moment for me to discover that people are built up when they are simply given the power to say “I am enough.”
Whenever my father told me, “You are the best,” I knew what he really meant was that I had tried my hardest to become the best I could be within the circumstances. Today, I am the best version of Lucy Chen compared to all previous days. He never said, “You are perfect.” He trusted that I was working hard to improve myself each and every day. That is all that any of us can do. Above all else, my father did his best to make me feel that I am enough—that I am good enough; I am strong enough; I am pretty enough; I am caring enough; I am intelligent enough; I am passionate enough; I am successful enough. I am enough!
My father is my role model for how to be a good person and a good parent. The most important piece of parenting advice that I ever got from him was this: Let your children know that they are worthy of love and that they are enough. It cannot be said too many times. Looking back, the sense of confidence that my father instilled within me has helped me survive many trials, including sickness, isolation, failure and also his departure from this world. Though I stumbled in life countless times, I was always able to pick myself back up through the power of optimism—a belief that my father taught me and that I will always celebrate.
While I am always trying to become an even better mom for my three children, I am happy to share my advice—and to extend my father’s advice—with other parents on how to empower their own children and improve their relationships with them. I also have useful tool kits to help teenagers build up their self-image and confidence. Whoever you are, know that you are enough. I’m here to help you see that. Please visit my website, GiftedCoaching.info, and contact me at Lucy@GiftedCoaching.info for more information.